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He's sweet when he has an ulterior motive. I took the risk to say no today. I want to see how he reacts. I am very very scared and vulnerable. If I don't make myself available he will get pouty or pushy, or accept it and be cold towards me. I'm tired of the push and pull. I want to start new. I cannot leave because of the situation, but my gut has been telling me for a long time that I should. If I stay for his sake, and mine too, then things will be okay eventually right?
I feel like as time goes on, he's taking all my space. I cannot breathe, I can't be me. I feel like everything I do he should know. But when he does something, he doesn't tell me in advance. He just does things. I feel like I have to report to him, I feel like I'm being strangled.
I remember his ex told him that the reason of them breaking up is because she felt like she has to walk on eggshells around him. And now I feel the same way. I will slowly learn to say no. When I say no let's see how he reacts. I feel trapped even in my relationship, as I slowly lose grip of my home, his grip tightens. And I feel that I will never get a sense of freedom. Everything feels so fast, so rushed, and I cannot say no. I cannot set a boundary even to the person that matters to me. I feel every time I get alone time all the reasons I should break up. But I know I won't.
I feel like I've been a good partner, a good daughter, a good sibling, a good coworker, and other things, but I feel like I forget to speak up for myself. I should be more firm on I want for myself and not what other people want for me.
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