Life is not lifeing (venting train of thought)

1) I'm 17. Im that ripe old age that makes you crippling insecure and depressed 24/7. (Aren't you jealous?) I'm kinda cute but not super pretty. I don't get crazy attention from boys. Im just okay looking. I was looking at a girl's Instagram from my school and I was wtf why are you that pretty... like bruh save some pretty for the rest of us 🙄 she had beach photos in tiny bikinis which kinda made me want to gag but wtv I can't help her if she wants to cater to pedos... her life not mine. I do want to be pretty like her though. I started looking at other girls' pics too and I'm seeing all the fun stuff they're doing and this and that and I'm like why are these sentient pieces of scum living the life while I'm busting my ass in school for no fucking reason. Idc if I sound bitchy. I am. I'm mad that these girls who actually suck as people (no I'm not just blinded by jealousy, they're legit mean) are having a better time than me. Wtf

2) There's this mf bitch in my PALS class (a class where we go to elementary schools and work with kids who need extra help) who has been telling people around her that I bully her????? For clarity we'll call her Mandy.... because that's her real name and idc if she finds this she can cry me a river. ANYWAY One girl Mandy told that bully crap to, told my bff and that's how I know. That girl said she didnt believe Mandy and I feel like that says something. I've said 5 words to her this whole year. I don't even know her bro. She used to be my bff's loose neighborhood friend in literally 6th grade. like we were slightly acquaintances 5 years ago why tf are you talking about me?? She literally told my PAL kid that I bully her (I know this for a fact). I was so pissed off about that. Like talk all the bs you want behind my back idgaf but why the hell are you involving a third grader in ur delusions 🤨 like it's just so odd. I'm flabbergasted. I literally barely know her lmao what is this dog shit 💀 she was a pathological liar in 6th grade and she's the same now apparently. Yikes. Let's all pray for her future personal growth (not kidding).

3) I'm lonely 🥰 I feel like no one has my best interests in mind and everyone is just okay with me. I always have to fend for myself. I never get any breaks. No one really cares enough about me to make any impact on my life or go even slightly out of their way for me. There's this boy in one of my classes who I just adore. He's very nice and fun to talk to. He puts me in a good mood. I haven't properly talked to him in a bit because he's a senior and the class we have together is at the end of the day (and he's not technically enrolled in it? Idk he's a part of the class by... honor system) so he skips a lot lately. I wish he'd show up more. I like chit chatting with him. It's nice talking to people yk? I don't have anyone to talk to usually. Like I talk to some people but I don't really feel like they have my back in the way I need. This boy listened to me talk and talk and complain so much about my family one day because it was the day after my aunt died and I just wanted to talk to someone. We talked about her and then about random things. It took my mind off things and I appreciated it a lot. He followed me on insta and I think if he ever DMed me I'd just die. I just really like talking to people lol... I'm just now starting to notice that. I used to be REALLY shy but now I like socializing more. I think my general like for attention plus my absolute lack of it on a daily basis has made me crave it like drugs tbh.

4) I'm hungry all the time. I just had a fight with my mom because she doesn't ever make real dinner and I came home from school asking what we had to eat and she had nothing to offer me. We can't afford to go out and get fast food or anything either. I'm tired of eating apples, chips and air fryer chicken nuggets (bff's mom bought us the air fryer). I want real food. I'm always hungry. Always. I think if I get rich or wtv in the future I'm going to set up food pantries or something for people who can't get enough food. It's so shitty to be hungry all the time. It makes me cry when I get home and already know I have nothing to eat. Also I'm mean when I'm hungry... so 😬

5) School. I take AP (Advanced Placement) and Dual Credit classes (dual credit is through actual colleges, they consider you an enrolled college student when u take their DC courses so it's extra snobbish) and I'm not getting a damn thing out of it. My class rank is just okay. I'm in the top 17% last time I checked which is eh. It's fine. I got a 1270 on the SAT. Above average but not crazy great. My GPA is a *weighted* 4.0. Im just okay. I work hard but I'm not going to kill myself with stress and burn out just to be #1 in my class. I know the girl who's #2 and I can tell you right now that she's not having a good time. I crave academic validation deep down but I don't have the energy to chase down perfection. I'm too tired. I've been running on empty since the end of last school year. That was sophomore year.

6) Life is a bus driving by without me on it. People around me are living and Im surviving. I don't go on trips. I don't go to the movies. I don't go to the mall. I dont go see family (they're far away, we dont have gas money). I'm too young to do adult things. I'm too old to do kid things. I don't want to grow up and then have even less stability. I'll be in college. I won't have nice teachers or protective policies or parent sent emails to fall back on. I'll be even more on my own than I am now. I'll be even more lonely I guess. I'd like to have roommates in a dorm but I won't be able to afford to live on campus unless it suddenly starts raining money in my backyard tomorrow. I'm probably not going to college without at least a 50% scholarship either so that's what fucks me up about school too. I have to be perfect but I can't be. Im too exhausted. No one thought to start me a college savings account when I was little. All my friends have them but I don't. I ask my mom how I'm gonna go to college and she has no answer for me. It pisses me off that she's so nonchalant about it. She just tells me to get a scholarship or I'm not going. It's not that easy. College is very expensive. She went for free in the 80s because her mom was an employee on campus. She has no clue. It annoys me that this is another thing I'm on my own for. She basically just tells me to figure it out. She brought me into this world and she didn't even think to start me a savings account for college?? The thing you almost have to do to get any real job irl??? We were never raking in cash but a few tens into savings every once in a while would've been fine. I just want the effort. I just feel so alone in everything. Maybe when I make it big I'll start a fund for kids going to college too. I hope I can do that kinda stuff one day.