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There’s no story. We didn’t end up together. Nothing happened. It’s just me journaling the romance and trauma I felt for 6ish months and that happened what always happens. It still is pretty hard for me to be open about it to myself because I was really guarded this time. Never in my wildest imagination, I thought it’d happen and it did. It’s probably hard for me to process because I feel like this time I thought that I was really good in this. I felt like I was game. I felt like this time, it’s gonna work, it’s gonna stick. But you know what, it didn’t.
It began on February. With a knock on my link, a rather shameless guy trying to get to know me. I had just made a promise to myself of not indulging into any sort of guy drama from then on. Like a full on full stop on being a shameless hoe. So when be put flirty remarks, I’d just make turns and say something else. It was just that for a week maybe. Fast forward few days and nights of staying up to talk about life, love, commitments, feminism - we settled on committing forever to each other. Much to our surprise, he proposed to me asking if i’d spend the next valentine’s day with him. Happily, without knowing literally anything about him, without spending 5 minutes with him, I said Yes. There we were, exchanging heartfelt texts, snaps, life lessons, sometimes trauma, hiding our own toxicity, foolish in love. At least I was. It was rather odd. Not going out on weekends, him way too mad at his ex, never meeting up - i never asked him questions and when I did, he’d say the word forever and I’d melt. I didn’t know 5 months is the new forever. I’d make it a point to make him my world, snaps 3 times a day, for each of his meal because it amazed me to be the idea of someone’s food. I was so much in love with the idea of him that I couldn’t see the real him. Now, all I’m left with is the ghost of him that was never real. Understanding, that’s what I made the definition of my love is. I owed it to myself to be real with him. But I wasn’t. I was tiptoeing through the relationship, always doing the right things, saying the right stuff. He’s the one, I have to do it right, what’ll happen if he leaves me? I’ll die, Everyone, my family my friends know about him as the new guy, I can’t possibly screw this up, everyone will think me damaged- tiptoe and more tiptoes. I knew how I wanted the wedding, I knew where we’re gonna live, how we’re gonna travel, how he’ll take me in his lap all the time. Everything. Was just perfect. Until it wasn’t. He might have calculated it way before. Our castle started to crumble on June. He wouldn’t meet up, wouldn’t talk. And I was that understanding dumbee who understood everything. What if he leaves because I’m suffocating? So there I was, sending him meal snaps, portraying my finest acting skill, packaging it into snaps, delivering it with love and there he was, plotting his exit strategy. I didn’t know I was his rebound. I didn’t have the slightest idea. It’s not unlikely to not fall the words of forever, and love, and happiness, and peace. But you know what, we didn’t have much in common. We’d rather act like we are very tired to speak every night, we’d not been conversing much openly, and the spark just wasn’t there. He probably knew this is not worth life support. So he pulled the plug. He stopped responding. In modern world, he ghosted me. 5 months of all the love, the commitments, the promises - oh the promises, just went and disappeared. And this world wants me to not think of it, not remember it because “it never really meant anything” and I should just be happy that this happened and move on. I didn’t know back then what it feels like to get boggled up with way too much love when you know you aren’t worthy of it. I know it now. And the fact that i made someone feel that way tears me down. But there’s nothing i can do about it. I didn’t ask him to love me propose me and then make me go through this hell. And he knows that. I want Allah to make him understand that not everyone is replaceable. That not every feelings is tradable. I hope he knows this someday, and I hope it makes him miss the warmth that I brought once, and the colors I painted for him.
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You certainly let him sweep you away and it was good 'til it wasn't.
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