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It was like any other evening. I'd been talking to him again. Knowing it was the wrong thing to be doing but giving into the desire to self destructed again.
Knowing I would get a cheap thrill from going to him again. The penis so perfect for sucking.
Only this time he mentions he has acid and wants to take it. I tell him I would be interested in trying it.
The journey from some drugs while performing oral are a lot of fun and I was curious to try it on something as trippy as acid.
I turn up at his house and after a little while he attempts to undo the buttons on my jeans. I tell him I don't feel right about having sex, but I'm happy to go with the usual.
As someone who enjoys the activity, sometimes it's all you feel like doing.
After years of being suck buddies. He was well aware there were times when this would be the case.
So instead he decides to grab the jar when he kept his tabs.
"How do I do it?" I ask. I'm told which I would later learn is the most powerful way to take the drug. To put the tab between my lip and my gums an allow it to just sit there.
After five minutes or so he grabs a comfy blanket, it feels amazing wrapped around me as I start to feel the drugs setting in.
I look over and he's taken out his member again. I smile and try to go in for the usual. Unfortunately, it's a lot harder than I thought it would have been. As I started to fade into a different universe and can't concentrate on doing anything properly.
I come back Into reality with him trying to undo the buttons on my jeans. I can't move. I can't speak. But I can move my hands. I grab my jeans and pull his hand away. He pushes my hand down so I can't move it and continues pulling down my jeans.
I try to cover myself with my other hand. Blocking him from getting inside of my. As he pushes in anyway.
I realise this is happening. It's actually happening and I can't stop it. My brain has forgotten that I can move, force him off me, scream, shout, attack, do anything.
Just as I sink into a dark reality. I'm laying there chained to the ground. The devil standing over me. I can't move, but I can look around. There are people standing over me. Laughing, calling out names and it feels as though so much time has passed. This is what hell will be and that was my eternity.
I come back to reality, I take a look at the situation. I try again to use my hands to push him away and he pushes my hand towards my clit.
I fade back into another reality. This time I'm in a room, there are screens on the walls. I have a globe infront of me. I can spin the globe and travel between screens. On each screen was a different reality. It was another world, nothing bad was happening. I was almost in a tv show. But when the globe would stop spinning I would flash back into the devil universe. I desperately wanted to be out of it and would continue to spin the globe.
After a while of no devil universe. I returned to reality.
Laid out with my underwear down, my top pulled up and him across the room. In a chair. Almost as though he were gloating.
"I never space out from this drug" he keeps saying."I just feel really good on it but I never space out"
I have no idea what has happened. I can only remember being in the globe room and the devil out burst. I can't remember what events lead to this happening. The last thing I could remember was cuddling up into a blanket.
He asks me if I'm okay. "What do you see"
I have nothing to say. Had I imagined all that. Am I sat with somebody who just raped me? It's all in pieces and I don't know what's happening.
"You should go for a walk outside" I don't want to leave here. What if I space out again. What if the dark place returns. I don't want to be alone but what has just happened.
"You'll feel better outside. Just stand outside get some fresh air."
"Do you want me to sit over here or over there? Are you okay?"
Feeling alone is scary. I need someone. He's being nice. Maybe none of that even happened. Maybe that was a fucked up trip.
"Over here" I say. "Was it the sex?"
It happened. Omg it happened. I feel sick. I run to the door. I can't make it to the toilet upstairs. I make it outside and throw up by the bins.
He comes outside and brings me a glass of water.
He's being nice. Did he know I didn't want to have sex? I can't remember how it happened. I only remember the blanket, and the globe room.
He sits with me, and cuddles me. I feel comfortable. The fear of the dark reality is gone.
I'm safe now. I can enjoy the drug.
It's been about 4/5 years since this night and I can finally remember what happened from start to finish. I have questioned so many times whether he knew what he was doing that night. I didn't make a sound. I never managed to get the words out for him to stop. I never shouted. I never screamed. I never even asked him not to.
There was a chance he didn't realise, there was a chance it was all a fucked up trip.
Now I know everything. I remember the attempts to stop him. I remember the expression on his face as he pinned down my hand when I tried to stop you unbuttoning my jeans.
I remember how he left me playing with myself (spinning the globe) as I travelled through the universe while he sat across the room and watched me. For all I know, filmed me.
I remember the before. When I told him I didn't want to have sex today.
How when I was trying to suck it, I was instead leaning on his lead, and groping the sofa pillow.
I remember coming back to reality when he was undoing the jeans of a girl who was completely spaced out and basically unconscious.
I remember how scared I felt when I realised what was happening.
I remember everything.
But this is a story I can never share.
The world is people fighting to prosecute females who make up and lie about rape.
So to come forward is to have people doubt you and call you a liar.
To never trust you and think you capable of making something like that up.
There is so much that could be taken from this and I don't want to accuse somebody of something where other people will have an opening.
But I also really need to talk about it.
I need to share what I remember.
I need my story to be heard
I need someone to know what he did.
But I can't face it being public. I can't face the judgment. And I can't face everyone having their opinion.
But I remember now. I remember everything.
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That was a bad trip. Keep away from drugs and these things won't happen.
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