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I'm currently 27 weeks pregnant. Everyone around me (friends, family, and most of my coworkers) are all super supportive of me, and do their best to not overstep any boundaries that I have set for myself as a mom-to-be. You would think that this is an issue that you'd typically hear stemming from a crazy mother-in-law or something like that, but no. I have this one coworker that has really been getting on my nerves.
So, first off, the way she speaks to me makes me feel a bit uneasy. I have more of a supervisor position in my workplace, and she's only been here for a few months (About 3-4). Now, I understand that I make it known that I am very approachable at work and my coworkers can be casual with me. There is a level of professionalism and respect that everyone holds with each other though, and we know what appropriate tones to use and topics to talk about. This particular coworker, however, speaks to me as if I'm a super close friend or like a cousin/family member. She bad-mouths and gossips about the other employees with me, even though she says that she doesn't like doing that exact thing. She sits in/inserts herself into conversations I'm having with other people when the conversation is supposed to be between me and them only. She asks for permission to do the simplest of task, like use the restroom. Plus, she also thinks she's free to make comments on my attire. Now, I could just be overreacting or irrationally annoyed with how she speaks with me, but the next thing I'm about to bring up about her is definitely not something she should be saying.
For the past 2 weeks, she has been using the words "my baby" as a term of endearment for my unborn child. When asking me how my pregnancy is going, she'll say, "How's my baby doing?" or "Is my baby okay?" When she wants to touch my belly, "Can I feel if my baby is moving?" or "Is my little baby kicking?" This makes me uncomfortable, and I always respond to her, "MY baby is doing fine" or "I'm not really in the mood for anyone to be touching me or MY Baby." I know that it's my fault for not outright saying that I don't like her "term of endearment," but with the same response and tone I give, I'd think it's obvious I'm uncomfortable with it. Not only that, but she also refers to my baby as a girl. She does not know the gender, as does my other coworkers because they wanted to have it revealed to them at my baby shower. She, however, has mentioned to me that she's always wanted to have a baby girl, so her referring to my unborn son as her "little baby girl" is definitely uncomfortable. I know some people may say that she's probably projecting because she might've lost a child of her own, but that's not the case. She's never attempted to have children and is definitely stepping out of line by making me feel like I'm some sort of surrogate for her imaginary daughter.
I don't know. She makes me so upset, and I dread going into work when we're scheduled together. I want to mention it to my boss, but part of me is too scared that I'm just being over-dramatic. I know I should mention that I'm feeling uncomfortable, especially with the position and the condition I'm in, and I really want to. It's just that when my other coworkers have also brought up complaints about this coworkers tone and attitude towards them, nothing was done about it. So, I just feel kinda stuck. I don't want this to keep happening up until I take maternity leave, but I also don't want to seem like I'm just being mean and hormonal.
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Congratulations first of all on the pregnancy. I think it makes sense that you are uncomfortable with her behaviour.
I would recommend telling her not to refer to your baby as hers straight to her face. If you tell someone else (report it) then they will tell her and she will know you told so it may just be better to tell her. If she then does not respect your wishes, you can then report it. Maybe tell her with someone else around, like another co-worker you trust. You can do it in a polite way. You can just say 'I don't like you referring to my child as 'your baby', and then when she tried to excuse it or tell you that you are over-reacting you can just ask her again 'please stop it, it makes me uncomfortable'
She should respect your wishes and then if you need to report her you can state that you have already asked her not to do this.
You shouldn't feel so uncomfortable going into work and seeing her, and it is very clear she has unresolved issues and I empathize but that is not your problem.
Alternatively, you can just allow the behavior but if I was in your position I would imagine being worried about when your son is born and how she might react.
She may just not really understand social cues that well and think that she is being a fun and quirky co-worker, which is understandable but it needs to be corrected really, for her sake and for your own.
It is brave and potentially uncomfortable to tell her to her face but it really is the best option I believe and you will then also be able to control how it is said and you can say it from a place of concern not of hate. It will help you too to be assertive and set your boundaries.
ReplyI don't think anything will happen if you report it to someone else. Better to tell her yourself. It doesn't have to be in a mean way . Just say "Hey (her name), I know you're really excited for my to-be-born baby, but I want to keep a level of professionalism here and would appreciate it if you can focus more on the counter (or wherever you work) , I hope you understand ".
ReplyThis behavior is NOT ok! She is overstepping a boundary and you NEED to let her know! The next time she makes you uncomfortable say loudly so your co-workers can hear 'please go away your making me uncomfortable'
ReplyShe could be dangerous so don't let her know where you will be giving birth because she could turn up and try to snatch your baby. Don't let her know where you live or where your baby is being minded if you go back to work early. If I was you I would look for another job after the baby is born to be right away from her. She is very weird the way she refers to your baby as hers. In her weird mind she might see you as the surrogate who is carrying her baby for her. Be ever so careful.
ReplyUPDATE:
I had hit the breaking point just yesterday. Note that since I made my original post, I hadn't brought this up to my boss. I was off for the past 2 days, and my focus was on other things concerning my pregnancy. But anyways, I'm on shift yesterday and so is the coworker I'm having an issue with. There's a bit of down time, so I took the time to make myself a drink at our café area since it was also a pretty hot/humid day. My coworker gets back from tending to customers and approaches me. This is how the conversation went:
Her: "Is your Honey passing you off? Or has he made you mad recently?"
Me: "No, we're fine. Not sure why you would ask that."
Her: (Changes the subject) Oh, am I finally able to feel my baby? You're always so busy whenever I want to, so I never get the chance."
Me: "I'm trying to make a drink for myself right now..."
Her: (Proceeds to rub my belly) "I don't care what mommy says. I want to say hi to you."
She says some things afterwards, but I'm in shock at this point and my mind has gone blank. I don't process what she says after that, but she leaves right after with a grin on her face, and I'm still standing at the counter, frozen, with my drink half made.
I come to my senses, finish making my drink, and go to the back room because I can't be at the front/café area while she's nearby at the moment. I have a chat with my other coworker who's there and they tell me to just stay in the back room for as long as I needed to. At some point, my coworker (the problematic one) also arrives in the back room for whatever reason (found out later that ot was because she wanted to ask to take a few puffs from my other coworker's vape). I excuse myself and go up to the floor above, still trying to avoid being around her. Keep in mind, there's not a lot of customers at the moment, so I wasn't trying to not work, I just really needed to not be in the same area as the problematic coworker for a while. Anyways, when I was up on the next floor, I was there with another coworker and told them. This one was shocked to even hear that our coworker had the audacity to do something like that and was considering yelling at her for me. I mentioned to both coworkers (back room and next floor) that I would mention the incident to our boss, and they were very supportive of that.
I avoided the problematic coworker for majority of the rest of the day, and she was actually one of the first ones to leave. I would've mentioned the incident to my bosses right away, but I was extremely nervous and didn't want to risk having that coworker become hysterical during work hours and potentially in front of customers. I was able to send a message to them in regards to what happened right before I left work. It's definitely a weight off my shoulders, but I feel so anxious at the same time, like my chest feels really tight or like I'm at gunpoint or something. I know that I have every right to be upset and report it, and my bosses are sure to take my side, not only because of my superiority to that coworker, but also because they know I'm pregnant and that I have certain boundaries/sensitivities that shouldn't be tested. So, I shouldn't have anything to worry about, right? I haven’t heard from them yet because they were most likely asleep before I clocked out and probably won't see my message until tomorrow. Here's hoping to things becoming better, though.
Thank you guys for the comments. It feels good to be reassured that I'm not just overreacting. I'm definitely doing a little better now, and I'm glad that other people around me are also trying to make sure that me and my baby are okay.
Reply*Sorry, autocorrect moment. First sentence said by problematic coworker was supposed to be, "Is your Honey pissing you off?"*
ReplyAlso, to clarify, I not only mentioned the incident to my bosses, but also the other things that were making me uncomfortable about that coworker (her using "my baby" as her term of endearment, always asking if my husband and I are fighting, her comments about my outfits, and her attitude if I was to confront her myself).
We've had employees fired for less than what she's done, so I wouldn't be surprised if she's gone. I will however be surprised, and baffled, if things somehow go her way and I end up being the one removed.
Reply