the oh so lovable you

My dearest, A

I struggle to forget you but I do not hold the memory so tight that it burns. I hold our memories because you were my first real love. You were the only love i had ever known and I apologize for everything I said or did to you. I never meant to hurt you. We were angsty LGBTQ teens who had been starved of love and affection. I had loved you so much that I can still remember the suffocation I felt when I saw you cry in the bathroom that day. When you leaned on my shoulder all I could do was hold you. Your tears felt like I was being smothered with a pillow so heavy I couldn't breathe yet I didn't know how to cry either. It hurt me to leave you over something so small but was that the real reason I left you, no. I did all these things to make you resent me and i hoped you would remember me as childish and narcissistic. I was mentally unwell and the unhappiness I brought to you was visible so I did everything to make you hate me. I wanted you to be happy when I left you. You were made for bigger better things and I held you back to the point where i figured id cut myself off like the infected part of a plant. I hope you can grow and become that amazing strong person I know you are, just like a phoenix. The fiery passion you contain when you love something is a flame that must never be smothered and I am a jar that can be filled with things until i feel less empty but when put over a flame it smothers it. I have learned to become a galaxy who adds to its world but never smothers but at the time I knew if i stayed the jar would have extinguished that beautiful bright passionate flame. I know Ill never see your flame like eyes or your ace of cards personality but I wish you well. I wont seek you out. I wont wait for you to come back. My love for you has turned into respect more than love. I have moved on and can only hope you are doing well because i still care for and respect you as a person who was once special to me. I hope you never blamed yourself. Its been five years and we only made it a year together. I hope you never get hung up on me or even think about me. Its for the best if you forget about me because though you were my first love i hope i wasn't yours. You don't deserve that for your story. Id be happy to know that after everything i was but a whisp of the past that hasn't been thought of since. my sincerest apologies

- JCTK