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I hope that with my departure, the suffocating feelings and the overwhelming desire to end it all will finally be over.
For years, I’ve felt like I’ve been drowning, doing my best to change my life for the better, because I always believed there was so much potential in me—potential that you never even realized. I felt that one day, I could become the woman I’ve always dreamed of being.
I wanted a good career, I wanted to succeed, and I wanted to live in peace, in a calm and loving household. More than anything, I wanted someone to take care of me. But the weight of my circumstances has become unbearable. Throughout my life, I’ve clung to the dream of escaping this toxic home—a place where five poor souls live together, each with a story more tragic than the next, creating a mix that just doesn’t fit. But now, that dream feels impossible, and the only escape I can see is in ending it all.I can’t bear to live another year trapped with a narcissistic and emotionless father. I love you, but I can’t stay around you anymore. You seem to find satisfaction in saying things that hurt me, in making me cry, just to prove you still have power over me. I know you’re proud of me as your daughter, but it’s only for the sake of your own image—not because you genuinely care about my well-being. You did nothing for Samya when she needed you the most, and that pain never left me.
Mom, I’m so sorry for letting you down. I’m sorry I couldn’t stay and fight through this life with you. But I can’t carry this sadness any longer. I’ve seen you hurt by everyone around you, and now I’m adding to that hurt by leaving you too.
Every time you and Dad fight, I’m terrified—not just as a child, but even now at 21. I’m scared he might kill you or beat you like he used to when I was little, watching in horror, unable to help. Those images have never left my mind.
I wanted so badly to save you—from him, from your boss, from your own mother who cares only for her happiness and never for yours. I see the pain in your eyes, Mama, and it kills me to see you suffer in silence. I can’t keep living with this pain, with the feeling that I can’t help you or make things better. I’m sorry, but I just can’t do it anymore.
To my brother, As I watch you grow, it’s impossible not to see how your autism becomes more apparent. With our parents’ shortcomings and the lack of financial support, I’m terrified for your future. I wanted so much more for you, and I hoped that my own future would be bright enough to support you when you needed it most. The thought of you suffering or being mistreated, and me being powerless to help, is unbearable.
I’m struggling deeply, and the weight of it all makes me question if I’m capable of making things better for you. I’m so afraid that if I can’t find a way to turn things around, my own despair might make your situation even worse. It’s hard to keep fighting when I fear that my own struggles could hurt you even more.
I hope you can understand that my love for you is immense, even if my actions sometimes fall short.
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