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I woke up today miserable just in time for my mum to come over, I felt so bad being emotionally cold while she was here. I could hardly look her in the eye because I feel such a great shame, my self esteem and image is completely in the gutter.
I made sure to eat well as there wasn't much to do, I said I would get a haircut but like the length as I am quite insecure about my hairline, the stress probably hasn't helped.
She keeps liking my reposts, even ones that she has liked on Instagram. It makes me think she is open to communicate but I cant tell and hell would it even matter? What would change? I've got to stop thinking she's the only one. Each time it gives me confidence to go and do something but it's always just as my mind gets over her. It feels like a carrot being presented after a nice drawn out torture.
I have been trying dating apps quickly to get over her but I don't view anybody on there as worth the hassle, I shouldn't be dating again for a while to be honest. More over a girl on there implied I was ugly which already stomped on my head more while having a bad gym session. I definitely have self image issues that I don't know how to deal with. I don't know if I'm ugly or attractive, fit or fat, big or small. It's all very confusing
On days like this I just want to hug my mother and think back to days when I'm not an overgrown 24 year old who is in tears about a girl. I feel like I want to hide from the world, I'm comfortable indoors but so isolated I've heard it can drive you mad but then again I'm been an only child so probably used to it.
I need to get my self worth back somehow, it's really hard and makes me sad that it hurts my mum. I've made plans for the week ahead
-Book dentist
-See D
-Investigate rowing club
-driving revision daily
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