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one of the first words that ever stumped me and I was not able to understand despite reading the word in context was turmoil. I remember it was in grade 6 when I encountered it, I had a English comprehension paper and we had to find a word that showed that all the contents of the lady’s handbag were a mess. I guessed it was turmoil because no other word made sense at the time to fit that meaning. When I got my paper back and saw it was correct, it amused me to learn a new word but having a short attention span I forgot all about it. Fast forward a few years here I was sitting idly after cleaning out my entire room, sorting out all my cupboards and organizing all my drawers, the only thing left unturned was my head, the thoughts in my brain to be specific. After all these years the word turmoil came to my mind, kind of explained how those thoughts were lying around in my head. There was no structure and order to them and being someone who likes structure and order in her life this gets quite difficult to manage. Turmoil literally means to be in a state of great disturbance, confusion or uncertainty. Safe to say I’m all three at all times of the day. I do manage to drown out my thoughts with various people and various tasks but whenever im sitting idle they all come rushing back eager to remind me that this is one mess Im unable to cleanup. The thoughts overlap and bleed into each other like watercolors on a canvas, theres no seperating them which makes it difficult to make sense. Most events in my head are chains of incidents, you name any emotion and I have a whole link of events that are associated to that emotion going all the way back to my earliest childhood memories. I have a great memory, whether thats a blessing or a curse is another days debate but it ensures that no matter how much the turmoil in my head grows, I continue to remember and hold onto each connecting thread that attaches itself everyday to my web of thoughts. Its difficult to navigate through them, somedays they drown me and im unable to fight it, some days fighting them takes so much effort that I give in willingly. People constantly tell me that its important to learn to be okay on your own but how do I explain to them that this turmoil never leaves me alone?
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