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i wrote this 10 days after i met up with a guy i like for the second time
1 week ago · 0 · Self-Destruction, +3
74
My tendency to be tragic is ruining everyone around me. I find that utterly disgusting. I reel them in and then I long for a heartbreaking tragedy because that is what I believe I was supposed to live for. No matter how much I try not to live such a life, my urges simply lead me to unkind endings. I find it hard to believe, even though I've been told the same things by multiple people, that I in fact am, the way they see me and all the things they adore and love about me. I know that I am bound to fck something up eventually and I dare not want to disappoint them. Any of them. One day I will have to learn to live with myself and accept disappointing myself, because only then I can truly grow.
The urge to destroy, tarnish, ridicule, polute my life and myself keeps following me like an unwanted shadow that you can see even in the nighttime. That's when it's the worst. It completely dissolves me into the darkness, becoming one with the night all around me, taking me in and cherishing me. Tragedy is what has always followed me. My only long-term companion being grief. Calamity never parting ways with me. I have learned to befriend them and take them in closer than I have taken myself. They're always there around me, somewhere and everywhere, when I need them and when I don't. Worst of all, they disappear for a few moments when joy and euphoria visit me, only for me to feel their everlasting presence carefully observing me from the corner of my eye even in such mindless situations. I have let them get so dangerously close to me that I find it hard to live without them. Their comfort is unlike any sweetness affection could provide me with. Especially because theirs is frequent and intense. I shall learn to discard these loving yet dark friends of mine and allow unusual presence of light to enter my proximity. I have a bad habit of getting attached. To everything. And everyone. But I also have a bad habit of discarding something just as quick as attaching to something else. I continue to bring destruction upon myself because my skin crumbles at the touch of creation. Destruction is so effortless, quick, intense, and creation is the complete opposite. Unfortunately I am an extremely impatient and stubborn girl. I do not have time for mending a single unit, while in the meantime I could easily dismantle a few just by looking at them. I shall learn how important time is and that I shouldn't waste it on too many things at once when I could use all of it for a singular reformation.
My own writing seems idiotic to me right now.
Do you hear yourself screaming every so often? I wonder why that is.
Too many too many too many too many and yet never enough words to describe how I feel. My tears tell more than a hundred written pages ever could. Every tear holds an ocean of thoughts and feelings inside and there are so many of those tears cutting lines down my cheeks. I wish I could cry blood so that you can visualise my pain. I wish there were streaks of scars left on my cheeks so you could see how many times this pain has visited me. I wish you could smell the disgusting realisation that this is me and how it reeks all around me, no matter how much I try to drown myself in water and scrub it all off.
its been 10 days and i cant stop crying. i wish i never saw you. i wish i never heard you. i wish i never felt your presence. i wish i never touched youu. i wish i never ever ever spoke to you.
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