Fighting Mental Health

I have been fighting and surviving mental health for 25 years now, draining myself with every battle. Everyone keeps saying things will get better, and to just keep pushing through, but what if you find yourself fighting another battle with your mental health again, before you would be in the dark with a little light trying to help guide you out and to remind you that you are strong and will survive. But what if it's different this time, what if this time you're stuck in the pitch dark with no sign of the light and part of you feels scared, freezing because it feels so cold, screaming for help but no one can hear, hoping the light was just late but the other part of you feels relieved that you don't have to fight anymore. I'm exhausted, and yea I know everyone says you have so much to live for, and you are needed, but that 2nd part of me says that's not fair. It's unfair because when others say "I have so much to live for, and I'm needed" when they don't truly know what all is going on or how I feel and trying to make me feel like If I couldn't take anymore and didn't want to be here that I would be an awful person. I would understand a little bit more if I actually had people that cared to tell me that or to even just be here to listen, but I don't, everyone keeps leaving, the few friends I did have when I tried reaching out a couple of times no one is there until they need something, and I don't have parents to turn to dad left when I was little and mom always finds a way to insult me and constantly puts me down, so I'm tired of feeling alone, a bother, annoying, too much and more. Realizing that I do want to do whatever it takes to break free from the darkness so that the people that's "in my life" can see that I am strong, I am a survivor, and I don't need them to survive and once I do, I am letting go of those who are toxic to my mental health.