drug abuse

i think i lowkey have to admit that i have a substance abuse problem. ever since ive gotten to college ive been doing basically whatever is around. i’ve spent about 1K alone on drugs and alcohol alone. and because i struggle with mental health, being high is such an escape to me. now i can’t go a day without something in my system. i reached a new low last night when i got so desperate i decided to down a bunch of benadryl to get high. i’m having such bad memory loss, im vomiting all the time, and im losing weight like crazy. i can tell my friends are starting to get concerned, they’re always staring at me like im a bomb about to go off. don’t really know what to do from here. rehab is definitely out of the question because my parents can’t know. everytime i try to be sober for a few days i get so depressed i cut myself and seriously consider throwing myself off one of these buildings. i just wish i had someone to talk to about all this