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In 12 hours, I have to tell my parents I SH and have anxiety attacks
I've lied to them about this for months despite it going on for years (I thought it was normal. God I'm so dumb.)
They'll be so heartbroken
I really don't want to,
But of course it's the law
I wish I'd never told my counselor
Then she'd never have to make me tell them
I always thought I'd take these as a secret to the grave
I always meant to
I never thought I'd have to tell
I can't do it.
I don't know how to say it
How can a pair of traditional Indians understand that their only daughter needs physical pain?
That she craves it more than anything sometimes?
That she uses a pen cap when she's in school and bladeless?
That the daughter they thought they knew is a facade?
That my senses are so twisted I feel as much pleasure in pain as I do in normal things?
That I never meant for it to go this far-
One cut. I hated it. Never again, I said.
A week later, one more. What's the harm? It'll never happen again.
Not again, I swore.
Now?
I cut
Daily
Pain in my eyes, a smile on my lips
My wrists are clean
The cuts are on my hips.
How can I break their hearts?
I'm breaking my own just dealing with it and I don't even love myself the way they love me.
I'm so sorry but I'm not. It still happens.
If I WAS sorry I'd stop.
But I can't
I'm too far in to get out
My best friend in the world- the only one who knows EVERYTHING lives a thousand miles away
And I've never met him in real life
It breaks his heart too,
But that's OK because he breaks mine when he self harms
It's an effed-up cycle, eh?
I just don't want to be that girl who HAD potential
But then became 'that cutter'
I don't wanna look back in twenty years and say "Holy f***, I screwed up big time."
I don't want to see these scars years later
But
I
Can't
Stop
I'm so messed up.
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