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trying to evaluate myself and my dilema.
How should i really be thinking of it all?
i complain about a few things taht i'd like to get off my chest
the racism i grew up with, though slight, bothered me for many years after. even now i find myself very defensive about things that might regard my race. Being Asian. Chinese.
Small dick, small eyes, not masculine enough, mama's boy, bad driver, incompetent, not swav. I erase all of this from my daily conscience, though it sometimes comes back to haunt me once in a while. I wonder who might be reading this on the other side?
Our culture now, this one i grew up in and now exist in, is one that give pressure to being independant and free.
Most americans around me grew up with these liberties.
I feel like a slave to academics and the stable income job. Of course we all want that but i'm not like others where they can pursue what they want in a carefree way. At least their family and friends support them.
Perhaps not everyone but. Well i just think i am unlucky and that i am not free to do all of these things only because my psyche doesn't permit it. i know i shouldn't blame anyone but i do. my parents. for being so limited in their ways of thinking, not being able to see my full potential, at least not the me i want to be, and that others see.
Of course if i just had one solid idea, it wouold all not matter, I would execute with precision. but that's never the case isit. I struggle everyday thinking about how i'm going to get to the place i want to be. and if i'm already late. And how captive i am, imprisonsed by this world of academics and the stable salary. dependant on the society of companies started by whales or steeve jobs. the free ones. I feel so left out of that society in which i want to be in. I am a member of the slave-to-salary-class.
painting, however, puts a new spin on things. they support me painting, though not all subjects. but i can find a place where i can paint all subjects. it puts a new spin on things for two reasons. 1. another source of income that could potentially be pretty great, though few and far in between. and 2. It's kind of that magic my life lacks. The proof that there are other ways to see things. and that life could be different from what you imagine. you fucks.
I'm a bit nervous about going to see her this week. She's 28, most likely more mature than me and less desperate. I on the other hand am desperate for a woman's touch, and she is exactly the kind of girl i like. I fear that i might be putting too much pressure on her and scare her away. I also want sex but i don't see that happening with someone who seems the way she is. and for that matter, most girls, to the point where i can so no girls just want to have sex the way a typical man like me does. so this desire, should i indulge it in prostitution? the answre seems to be yes, but again i have no money. I have somme cash but it's easily drained away. It might be a bad idea to use it now, in case there is a time when i might need it out of urgency.
How about just 30min with someone, no penetration?
what about the sex club?
go naked?
this has taken over my mind and stolen attention from my MBA, the gift i've been granted by the gods of modern society.
It's the most important thing going for me but i'm just not too worried about failing anymore. But i know i should be more active about it than passive. My mindset was pretty good before, kind, honest, and hard working. And it still is, but i've lowered my standards for those. Perhaps I should keep it up. It just hurts a lot to want to be with a girl and not be able to, and know that for the next two years i'll be stuck in this situation. at least it seems like it.
I kind of know a possible solution to my quarrels:
Wake up early
Get out and work on things in the morning.
Be focused but be open to talk. If i'm early in my own work, i won't be so troubled about talking to someone.
Like at the library.
Coffee shops seems less attractive these days.
So far, i've met girls at rubios, workshops, class, library, surf meet, food court
i feel like a dweeb every time i say the word girls
like they're another species that i don't understand. I seem to understand them quite well now though... so i must not since i'm being cocky about it.
Well they want to feel loved, and i can give them that, but when it comes to love, problematically, i'm picky.
And i'm still scared to show too much of what i feel towards someone. I'd liek to get rid of that. how many times have i told this to myself with no use....
something has to change.
it's my mentality
the mindset i had on the plane, the mindset i had after being ignored by vanya, the mentality i had during the last few times in class. it's positive, swav, me...
i don't know what to do right now
feeling hurt by the curse of modern day problems....
the problem is:
i want a girl but i can't seem to find anyone who i can be with physically here and now.
Strippers?
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