How to understand myself ?

And suddenly I have understood.

What is the story of my life ?

This is how I have been made.

There are triggers which do something to me.

The triggers make something to me. I haven't yet understood .

Need to comprehend this.

For example , a comment from any one can be the trigger.

Instead of going deep right now to what could be the triggers, let me first explain my exact mood right now.

So there is this trigger.

Something happens to my whole mood.

Restoration of the mood is the most tedious thing and which I have not understood so far.

The mood is just like putting a goggle of some taint. Everything around me starts appearing in that color.

This is the phenomenon which has made what I am today.

What is this called scientifically ?

Don’t really know.

This has to do with the basic psychology of the mind.

I haven’t understood yet.

Trigger is something beyond my control.

Like the daughter of my close frined who just gets a fit.

Why the fits occur , he doesn’t know.

As a result , she had to get retirement from Navy. She cannot get married.

She cannot cook.

As long as she takes medicines , there is no recurrence of the fits.

The fits are beyond her control.

In my case also, these mood swings are beyond my control.

Without going through the medical jargon , let me try to see purely in the light of my own perceptions and experiences.

What exactly happens inside ?

There is no clarity right now.

How can I describe the entire thing ?

This clearly happens when I am doing some unconscious thinking.

The trigger takes me to unconscious thinking.

I am not aware of what thinking takes place inside my mind.

Effect is that my mood suddenly changes.

Mood gets deteriorated.

First reaction is anger.

Earlier, I used to express the anger through non verbal signals.

The response is never in terms of direct speaking.

Response is non verbal clues.

It could be throwing off articles and objects.

Although , I have stopped doing this long time back now.

But the phenomenon still happens . Now it is in a subtle form.

Let me once again try to see the entire process.

What exactly happens ?

Let me take the case which happened today.

It is fresh in my mind.

There is a reluctance to bring this to the surface.

Trigger.

Anger.

My response to myself.

Disrupted thinking.

Distorted thoughts.

Blaming.

Blaming others for my state of mind.

I get bottled up.

External stimulus.

Acts as a trigger.

There is an anger.

Resentment.

Get bottled up.

Closed.

There is no output.

Distorted output.

Not straight.

Comments are oblique.

Mostly sarcastic.Acidic.

Self-criticism.

Let me now browse the net and try to find out more about this thing.

What is my objective ?

Damage control.

Most desired but so far I have not succeeded in controlling this.

Thoughts are scattered.

Cannot sustain my focus on any single stream of thoughts.

Worthlessness.

This is something which makes me unhappy.

If I can find out the solution, it shall be bringing me bliss.

Eternal bliss and peace of mind.

How to do this ?

There is no space left in the mind.

It becomes congested.

Choking.

Trigger.

Invariably these are external.

Anger .

Resentment.

Bottled up.

Silence.

This is very turbulent.

Mind is scattered.

Focus is lost.

Everything becomes very abstract.

Values change at that very instance.

I repent later.

What is this known as ?

What is the scientific name of this ailment ?

Is this only anger ?

Anger at slightest provocation?

Anger at slightest external provocation?

What are the triggers ?

When someone has not understood my feelings, thoughts , logic , efforts, values.

Disparity of thoughts ?

Inability to persuade .

Not willing to persuade other person to my logic.

There is a constant suffering.

The effects of this are devastating .

This has impacted my performance.

My performance in career or profession or life in general can improve if I can understand this .

How to bring this on a level of cognizance ?

Instead of jumping to the probable solutions , let me first try to understand it.

Alright.

Here we go to the net.

Not yet perused.